Gentle Parenting Doesn't Work and Reasons Why It Didn’t Work

Here are some things I hear about gentle parenting in online parenting communities.

“The gentle parenting stuff has turned my kid into a TOTAL WIMP. Help.”
“Gentle parenting not working My kid still gives me a hard time.”
“Starting to feel like gentle parenting doesn’t work.”
“End of my rope with gentle parenting.”

You get the picture. But, this tells me that people are trying gentle parenting and aren’t getting the results they want.

When I listen closely to the vents and complaints about gentle parenting, I often hear things like this:

“I don’t have time to ask my kid how he’s feeling when he’s having a tantrum. Sometimes feelings don’t matter.”
“My 2-year-old is too dependent. Gentle parenting doesn’t work!”
“All the kids I know that are raised gentle parenting are spoiled brats.”

I’ve been teaching positive, gentle parenting for over 15 years. With so many parents feeling frustrated while trying gentle parenting, we need to address why it may not work.

Most importantly, I will be giving you three essential tips to implement gentle parenting in your home.

What is Gentle Parenting?

The term “Gentle parenting” is essentially the same as positive parenting, peaceful parenting, mindful parenting, and connection-based parenting. These have different names, but all of these are the same thing.

Gentle parenting’s foundation is the secure attachment theory, and it is a form of authoritative parenting.

Authoritative parenting is a style of evidence-based parenting that is highly responsive, nurturing, and at the same time also has firm boundaries.

In gentle parenting, which is under the umbrella of authoritative parenting, children’s feelings and opinions are validated, heard, and the parent is responsive to these.

And when the parent has set firm boundaries and guidelines for the child, the parent validates the child’s emotions while also maintaining the boundaries.

Gentle parenting operates from the concept that children learn from what we do, not by what we say. Therefore, gentle parenting does not shame the child as a form of punishment nor uses hitting to discipline the child.

Gentle parenting uses logical consequences, communication, and problem-solving as forms of discipline.

As a result, the evidence shows that children grow up to have these characteristics, compared to other children:

Higher self-esteem
Higher confidence
Higher socialization skills
Higher compassion
Higher empathy
More resistant to peer pressure
Better communicators
Better emotional regulation
Better emotional intelligence

It’s no wonder that parents are intrigued and want to try gentle parenting!

Gentle Parenting is NOT Permissive Parenting

One thing that gentle parenting is not is permissive parenting. In permissive parenting, children set their own rules and boundaries, and the parent lacks a standard set of limitations or guidelines for the child.

While permissive parenting can work for some families, it is generally difficult for the child to understand social and life skills and expectations when raised in permissive parenting.

However, I believe that many parents assume that gentle parenting is the same as permissive parenting. Therefore, they feel defeated by what they believe is gentle parenting when their child isn’t behaving the way they expected the child to behave.

Parents who perceive gentle parenting as permissive parenting become frustrated when their child misbehaves and feel they cannot set any boundaries or consequences.

Why Gentle Parenting is Not Working

Have you picked up already in my writing that gentle parenting is about being in touch with your child’s feelings, validating them, being responsive, and also having clear boundaries, guidelines, and logical consequences?

And do you remember that I wrote that children learn by what we do, not by what we say?

Ok, great. Now, if you have tried gentle parenting and it’s not working for you, here are possible reasons why.

1) You have not connected to your own feelings and needs.

How often are we mothering and not tuning in to our own needs and feelings?

Mothers report over and over that they feel depleted, unheard, unsupported, and have no time for their self-care — and by that, I don’t mean pedicures, I mean mental and emotional self-care.

When we are operating from a space that is already maxing out, we have no space and time for our own child’s feelings and emotions. It feels too much. And you know this when mid-tantrum, you’re getting anxious and frustrated.

We cannot “hold space” for someone else when we don’t hold space for ourselves.

So, gentle parenting will be hard to implement if you aren’t at a place where you’ve created your healing rituals and care and aren’t daily taking care of your mental health and emotional well-being.

2) You still believe that you’re the boss and your child is supposed to do what you say.

Many of us were raised in authoritarian households. “Do what I tell you, or you get ___ (insert unwanted punishment here).”

Authoritarian parenting is a style of child-rearing in which parents exercise complete control over their children’s lives. In this parenting style, parents use physical punishment to get kids to obey rules, leading to resentment into adulthood.

Unfortunately, this parenting style also results in children who do not believe their feelings are important experiencing low self-esteem, high levels of emotional withdrawal, and a lower sense of worth.

However, if you have not yet unpacked the results of having been raised in an authoritarian household and assuming that “I’m ok.”, then you might find your own child’s emotions and needs to feel triggering.

In essence, observing your own kid express feelings that you were not allowed to say may create a trigger from your inner-child wounds.

What I want you to receive from this section is that there’s a possibility you need to process the learned behaviors and expectations of your own childhood and reparenting these as you parent your child.

Here’s the thing though, you are not alone in this. Many parents, including myself, awakened to the lack of nurturing and responsiveness to their inner feelings and are actively reparenting themselves.

And as a result, they have excellent relationships and connections with their children while using gentle parenting.

3) You have not set clear boundaries and guidelines with your gentle parenting.

As I mentioned previously, gentle parenting is not permissive parenting. On the contrary, as a gentle parent, you are practicing authoritative parenting.

In authoritative parenting, you set clear boundaries and guidelines for your child. So yes, you are responsive, and you are nurturing, and at the same time, you hold firmly to the boundaries that you believe are important for your family.

Children want to know their boundaries, and there is a sense of security when they know that their parent has set healthy boundaries.

So, if you’re feeling frustrated with what you believe is gentle parenting, be sure that you’re not practicing permissive parenting and finding it hard to implement guidelines because of it.

Mastering Everyday Challenges with Gentle Parenting

Navigating the life of gentle parenting can be challenging, especially when faced with real-life scenarios that test your resolve and patience.

In many ways, it doesn’t seem like a possible parenting philosophy to implement. Just know you’re doing a good job and I know you will make the right choice you feel best as a parent.

In this section, we’ll explore practical strategies for applying gentle parenting methods in various situations, from everyday interactions to more difficult challenges because those more difficult situations are where gentle parenting can go all kinds of wrong!

Social media has become a significant influence on parenting practices, often presenting idealized versions of family life.

However, it’s essential to recognize that these portrayals may not always reflect reality.

Instead of comparing yourself to others on social media, focus on your unique family dynamics and what works best for you.

When facing challenges with your child’s behavior, consider consulting a child psychologist or seeking advice from respected parenting experts. Their insights can offer valuable guidance tailored to your specific situation.

In recent years, the gentle parenting movement has gained traction among millennial parents seeking a better way to raise their children.

However, it’s essential to understand that gentle parenting is not a one-size-fits-all approach. Each family is unique, and what works for one may not work for another.

Authoritative parents have options in how they implement respectful parenting.

One of the hardest parts of gentle parenting is staying calm in the face of challenging behavior. Being a calm parent when your child is testing your very last nerve can be hard.

Instead of reacting impulsively, take a moment to pause and consider the best method for addressing the situation.

This might involve using positive strategies such as redirection or offering choices to your child. It might involve taking some deep breaths and that’s ok.

When your child exhibits bad behavior, it’s vital to approach the situation with empathy and understanding. Rather than resorting to punitive measures like time outs, consider the underlying reasons for your child’s actions and address them respectfully.

In the heat of the moment, it can be tempting to resort to yelling or nagging to get your child to comply.

However, these approaches often escalate the situation and damage the parent-child relationship. Instead, focus on communicating calmly and setting clear expectations for your child.

Next time you find yourself in a challenging situation, try viewing it through the lens of anxiety. Children often act out when they’re feeling overwhelmed or anxious, and responding with empathy can help de-escalate the situation.

For example, when shopping at the grocery store with young kids, involve them by allowing them to make child choices within reason. This not only empowers them but also reduces the likelihood of meltdowns.

It’s essential to remember that gentle parenting is about guiding and supporting your child rather than controlling them. By offering guidance and validation, you can help your child develop essential life skills and a strong sense of self-esteem.

Navigating the challenges of gentle parenting requires patience, empathy, and a willingness to adapt to different situations.

By approaching parenting with a positive mindset and building a strong parent-child relationship, you can create a nurturing environment where your child can thrive.

How to Get Gentle Parenting to Work

As promised, here are my three essential gentle parenting techniques to get gentle parenting to work.

Reparent yourself as you parent your child.
Establish healthy boundaries and logical consequences for your child.
Be willing to spend the extra time communicating, holding space, validating, and responding to your child because the benefits are worth it in the long term.

Let’s go even further into a healthy way to use gentle parenting.

To effectively use gentle parenting, it’s essential for gentle parents to deeply understand their child’s behavior and respond with compassion and understanding.

For gentle parents, it’s important to anchor yourself in evidence-based child development principles advocated by respected child psychologists, whose research goes deep into the nuances of the gentle parenting approach.

I have found there are countless parenting influencers offering advice, but not all of them are using a parenting method that is based on evidence-based research. While gentle parenting can become confusing as too many equate it to permissive parenting, it is advocated by all leading parent and child researchers and organizations.

Use resources from renowned gentle parenting books, where you can find practical techniques for managing challenging situations like temper tantrums or parenting through other negative emotions.

Building a strong parent-child relationship within a supportive parenting community can help give you encouragement and guidance when confronting the complexities of real-life scenarios.

Recognizing and meeting each child’s needs while upholding consistent boundaries is good for addressing behavior problems and nurturing positive behavior.

Through a gentler approach and a focus on positive reinforcement, you can create an environment that builds positive experiences and gives you positive outcomes for your individual child.

If you’re a parent of more than one, such as myself, you’ll find that you might need to tailor your gentle parenting strategies accordingly for each child.

But, essentially it’s about the concept of natural consequences and steering clear of harsh discipline strategies. Doing this will empower children to develop intrinsic motivation and a sense of responsibility in their real life as they grow up.

The core tenets of gentle parenting, such as empathy and understanding, can effectively address negative behaviors while nurturing a strong parent-child bond. At the end of the day, what truly matters is the close relationship you build with your child.

But, remember that when you become self-aware and learn strategies to manage your own emotions and behaviors, you prioritize the health and well-being of your children from a young age.

The best thing you can do is seek guidance from gentle parenting advocates and use resources like attachment parenting and parent-child interaction therapy, which can provide additional support and reassurance.

Finally, taking a healthy approach to parenting within the gentle parenting sphere will help you raise children who feel connected and grow up with emotional intelligence.

In my experience parenting four children and being a part of the gentle parenting movement, I can say that while it meant inner work on my part (which is such important work), it helped me raise children who are responsible, kind, empathetic, and emotionally intelligent (a concept much needed in the real world).

Continue with: How to Get Your Kids to Do Chores (without Nagging and Yelling)