5 Things Parents Should You Never Say to a Child
It’s astounding how words can either mess with us or make us better.
And by mess with us, I mean the words that attach to who we are. Sometimes on a conscious level, but so many times, it happens in the subconscious.
In the subconscious, it lays there, and without us even realizing it, it will hold us back or make us feel less than enough. So through hypnotherapy and mindfulness, I healed on the subconscious to clear the words and their attachment.
The younger we are, the more profound the impact of the words. So in this article, I will specifically talk about what you should never say to a child.
Now, listen, I know the chances are at least one of these, you’ve already said to your kid. I’m not only a Parenting Coach, but also a parent, and I know all too well that we are not perfect. So, at each thing to never say to your child, I’ll share what to say instead.
What’s the worst thing you can say to a child?
Surprisingly (or maybe not so surprisingly), some of the same things we were told as kids can be the worst things you can say to a child.
Most kids want to be loved and accepted, and I was no different as a kid. Yet, I can count various times where I felt like a bother to either a teacher or my mom. And the realization of feeling like a bother was through the words I was told.
To give some grace, I know that it was when they felt challenged or maxed out (which is one of the reasons I talk so often about creating extra space within yourself so that you can parent the way you want to parent consistently).
Yet, the words had power. Words have power.
Maya Angelou said it best when she said, “Words are things, I’m convinced. You must be careful about the words you use or the words you allow to be used in your house.”
What things upset your child?
You’ll notice that the interactions between you and your child upset your child where communications break down.
That’s ok, that happens. You’ll be learning “on the job” how to better communicate with your child in many ways. But, it also starts with how you share with others and with yourself through inner narratives.
The very things you should never say to your child are the same things you should never say to yourself. So keep that in mind as you read through the rest of the article. It always begins from the inside out.
5 Things Parents Should Never Say to their Child
1) You’re making me angry.
Your child is not responsible for your happiness. And, often, our reactions full of emotions like anger, sadness, frustration is an indication to examine where they come from (it’s more than just about your kid’s behavior) and where there’s an opportunity for growth.
When a child feels that they are responsible for the happiness and pleasantness of their parents, they tend to grow up feeling not enough and with a strong (out of balance) desire to please others above their own needs.
But, what do you do with the feelings of anger, frustration, or sadness that arise from you based on your child’s behavior?
Your feelings are valid. You are feeling angry at the way your child is behaving. At the same time, there are other ways you can communicate this to your child.
What to say instead: “Right now, I’m feeling angry. I need a moment to reset to find my calm. So I’m going to pause for the next five minutes, and then we will continue. I love you.
If there’s a situation where you cannot take a few minutes to reset and must continue parenting, then you can use grounding techniques.
Quick Reset While Parenting
- Pause. Do not respond.
- Notice your breath. Make sure you’re not holding your breath. Start bringing slower.
- Observe your emotions and thoughts, do not attach yourself to them.
- Wait until the anger passes.
- Continue parenting.
The more you practice this when you feel that you’ll be reactive vs. responsive, the quicker this technique will ground you to continue parenting the way you want to in your calmness and confidence.
2) It’s not that big of a deal.
Each human being determines their perception of their situation. Therefore, what is not a big deal to you may be a big deal to your child.
While said, often, with loving good intentions, telling a child that what they are feeling is “not a big deal” is the same as dismissing their emotions.
As parents, we are not responsible for making sure that our child never experiences what we know as negative emotions, just as much as it’s not our job to make sure our child is always happy.
Think on that a little, as it can be liberating to remove your expectations of this.
Our job as parents is to honor and hold a secure and safe space for our children to process their emotions and feelings.
Therefore, as parents, we can help our children process their condition and use mindfulness techniques.
What to say instead: “You’re feeling _______ right now. It’s ok to feel what you feel. Would you like me to help you process or do you need some space?”
3) Why can’t you behave?
This might be hard to believe in your most parenting challenging days, but a child’s natural nature is to do good.
A child learns how to behave well through:
- Clear and consistent expectations by their parents
- Feeling safe and secure, as well as unconditionally loved
- Receiving empathy
- Watching our behavior as parents
Remember, the words we use for our children become their inner voice.
A child desires to be in harmony, accepted, and loved. Hearing the words, “Why can’t you behave?” would be the equivalent of hearing, “Why are you so bad at everything you do.”
What you can say instead: “You’re having a hard time following the expectations. What do you need that would help you right now?”
With the wording above, you encourage problem-solving, create connections, and become your child’s role model.
4) Do it because I said so!
The ever-so-tempting desire to tell our kids to do something simply because we said so comes from generations of authoritarian parenting.
The research shows that authoritarian parenting decreases our child’s self-esteem, confidence, and desire to go and increases their risk of depression. It also creates resentfulness.
Using a more democracy-based parenting approach, such as authoritative parenting, increases your child’s sense of value, cooperation, and ability to correct their behavior.
You are the parent, the teacher, and the role model, but as parents, we are not dictators over little human beings. Trust me, from my personal experience in being raised in an authoritarian household, I know how easy it is to fall into the “Because I said so!” trap.
What to say instead: “Our household guideline and rule is _____. And so, I need you to do (insert action desired), because (insert reason).”
Suppose you’re raising your child to be an insightful thinker (something that tends to happen naturally when using authoritative parenting). In that case, you may experience that your child offers another way to get the same result.
In that case, you may consider your child’s suggestion and determine if it fits within your family guidelines.
5) You never / always ___!
Saying never or always to your child when it comes to misbehavior cement to your child that they will not be capable of changing.
Their parent has stated that they will always do that behavior or never do the desired behavior.
Think about the times you may have self-talked to yourself and said, “You always..” or “You never..” when it comes to something you do that you’d like to change. It can feel defeating.
Our inner narrative can prevent us from achieving what we want to reach when we use negative thoughts about our actions or lack of action. The same goes for your child when they hear their parent say that they are not capable of changing.
What to say instead: “I see you having a hard time behaving correctly right now. What can I do to help you?”
In our “What to say instead” sections, you’ll notice that we acknowledge the child’s current state while also offering to problem-solve.
This form of communication works because it keeps a connection between you and your child, models effective communication (that they will then know how to do with others), and supports their self-esteem and sense of worth.
Parenting is a practice and a growing opportunity.
As we parent our children, we also grow as individuals and become better versions of ourselves. By learning what to never say to your child, you also learn to communicate with yourself in your inner voice.
You model for your child how to correct their behaviors and stay connected to your child while doing so, which is the best way to learn.
