5 Ways to Start Gentle Parenting

So, you want to start gentle parenting? Like so many parents today, you’ve heard of gentle parenting.

And you know of the science-based benefits to gentle parenting, including that children:

more likely to become independent
become self-reliant with emotional regulation
have more appropriate social skills
do better in academics
behave much better than children raised in authoritarian homes
are happier children

Many parents want to start gentle parenting discipline but don’t know where to start.

And that’s normal! There’s often confusion regarding gentle parenting techniques, as it gets confused with permissive parenting.

The good news is that this article will give you five ways to start using gentle parenting today with your child. So keep reading and get ready to take notes.

What age to start gentle parenting?

Gentle parenting is not just about how you discipline. It’s a way of life in how you see yourself, your child, and your role as a parent. You can begin this as early as pregnancy and at any time in your parenting journey.

What is considered gentle parenting?

Having practiced gentle parenting for over 16 years, here’s what I consider gentle parenting:

Being a self-aware parent who values their child and parents with kindness, consistency, firmness, and empathy.

For example, when you value your child and parent in kindness, consistency, have boundaries, and respect, you aren’t going to rely on hitting, yelling, or shaming since those things are not kind, nor ones that you’d do to someone you respect. That’s not to say that you won’t ever do those things. You are human, after all, but that they are not your go-to for parenting your child.

In gentle parenting, we often need to re-parent ourselves, primarily if we weren’t raised in this way. You’ll have to practice being peaceful, respectful, consistent, create boundaries, and be kind to yourself and who you are as a person, as you also learn to do the same for your child.

Gentle parenting will use reasonable boundaries and respectful wording, and in gentle parenting, you’ll see your child as an individual vs. someone you dictate and rule over. Your role as a gentle parent is one of guidance, mentoring, and education.

Does gentle parenting mean no discipline?

Gentle parenting and the idea that it lacks discipline is something that I often hear. Some believe gentle parenting has no discipline, and kids rule the household and do what they want.

But, gentle parenting does not lack discipline. On the contrary, there are rules, guidelines, boundaries, and discipline (in the form of consequences).

Gentle parenting uses the same discipline that life does. When a negative action happens, it often has its own set of consequences. For example, when you yell at a restaurant, you’ll be asked to leave.

When you fail to do your work and let deadlines go by, your manager will ask to speak to you, and a good manager will find out the reasons for the mishaps and work with you to get better results.

Gentle parenting works the same way that good teams work. There is communication, understanding, reasonable expectations, troubleshooting efforts, and accountability, with ongoing guidance and mentoring.

How do I start gentle parenting?

1) Increase communication between you and your child.

There is little healthy communication in an authoritarian home, where the parent oversees as the final word, as obedience is the ultimate goal.

But in a gentle parenting home, obedience is not the ultimate goal. Instead, building a good relationship with your child and teaching social and life skills are more important goals.

And to teach, one must be willing to communicate and as often as needed to build trust, safety, and security, as well as to mentor and guide your child.

Often, there is no need for consequences because you could teach the social or life skill with modeling and communication alone.

Practice using more communication with your child as a way of building more understanding, educating, actively listening, and troubleshooting whenever there’s a parenting conflict.

2) Develop guidelines in your home.

In gentle parenting, the expectations are clear and reasonable for your child. Your child should not have to guess the expected behavior or the boundaries and rules for the home.

You’ll want to spend some time to develop what rules are essential in your home for social and life skills. Once you set these, you’ll want to make sure these are based on reasonable expectations for your child and that you’re willing to spend time communicating, modeling, and practicing these with your child.

I say the above because I’ve worked with parents that make rules based on what they think “should” be done a certain way. But later upon reflection, they realize that the rule was not helpful or valuable to have, and they were willing to be more flexible with that particular rule.

Sometimes having an example is helpful so I will give you my own home rules as the example:

be kind to bodies and animals
respect the house
no media while eating
be of service to self and others
have dinners together as a family
honesty > consequences

For reference, as of the time of writing this, my children are 8 – 17 years old, so you’ll want to create rules that make the most sense to you based on your child’s age.

3) Find ways to grow as a person.

A big part of gentle parenting is being a mindful, self-aware parent.

Your child is unique, and they are precisely who they were meant to be. And often, our children will also mirror where we need to grow as human beings.

Be proactive as a parent and be on a continuous path of growth.

For me, this has included developing a solid spiritual practice that includes meditation, journaling, ancestral healing and skills, and surrounding myself with like-minded individuals.

Your growth might also include growing through podcasts and books. Here are some book recommendations that I’ve enjoyed:

4) Have logical and consistent consequences.

Along with the guidelines and rules you develop for your family, you’ll also need to determine logical, helpful, reasonable, and consistent consequences.

Let’s break these down:

Logical: your consequence should be related to the action.
Helpful: the consequence should teach your child life or social skill.
Reasonable: the consequence should make sense for your child’s developmental stage.
Consistent: this one is significant as you’ll want to be consistent with your follow-through to avoid confusing your child.

5) Model the behavior you want to see.

Your child will learn the expected behavior by watching you do it. Communication will be necessary, but your modeling is the most excellent teacher.

Here’s a classic example: You won’t be able to tell your child not to be so media-focused if your child watches you be media-focused or on your phone often.

Whatever behavior you want to see in your child, your child needs to see you do it, not just in interactions between the two of you but also when you interact with others.

Takeaway for Starting Gentle Parenting

With these five ways to start gentle parenting, you’ll be able to spend more time communicating with your child, develop guidelines for your family and the logical and helpful consequences that go with them, and model the behavior you want to see.

Remember that as humans, imperfections are to be expected. And perfection is never the goal. However, growth and becoming your best self are goals you can make that will help you in gentle parenting.