9 Problems with Attachment Parenting

Attachment parenting is modeled after secure attachment, however, it takes it to a level that at times is not beneficial to the parent or the child.
The attachment theory states that a child develops a secure attachment through the parent responding appropriately and consistently to their emotional and physical needs.
Attachment parenting teaches that a child builds a secure attachment through close promixity that includes bedsharing, babywearing, and long-term breastfeeding, with little focus on the true concept of the attachment theory.
While the concept can work when done in balance, the focus on balance is often uncommon in attachment parenting.
This article is written through the lenses of being a Attachment Theory educator, and Certified Positive Parenting educator, who parented using attachment parenting for years. In this articleI will be covering where attachment parenting can go wrong when it comes to parenting styles.

Is Attachment Parenting the Same as Secure Attachment?
When you hear about attachment parenting, you might think it’s just about keeping your baby close and responding to their cries.
I practiced attachment parenting for years, including becoming an Attachment Parenting International facilitator.
Today, I teach secure attachment to nurses in hospitals as part of the Baby Friendly Initiative in the USA.
This parenting approach, promoted by the American Academy of Pediatrics and Dr. Sears, emphasizes physical closeness, such as skin contact and baby-wearing, to develop a secure bond between you and your child.
It’s about meeting your baby’s needs through constant care and emotional support.
Secure attachment, on the other hand, is a broader concept.
It refers to the deep, lasting bond that helps a child feel safe and protected. This bond forms when you, as the primary caregiver, consistently meet the emotional needs and physical needs of your child.
Developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth and psychiatrist John Bowlby were key in shaping our understanding of this idea.
They showed that secure attachment gives a child a safe place to explore the world, knowing they have a reliable secure base to return to.
So, is attachment parenting the same as creating a secure attachment? Not exactly.
While both aim to form a close relationship between parent and child, they are not the same thing.
Attachment parenting is a specific parenting style that started from the concept of secure attachment but added practices like long-term breastfeeding, sleeping in the family bed, and carrying your baby in a sling.
Secure attachment focuses on the responsiveness of the caregiver to the child’s needs, whether through physical touch, emotional support, or other actions that make the child feel loved and valued.
It’s about being a responsive caregiver who provides a consistent sense of security and understanding, which can be achieved in various ways, not just those prescribed by attachment parenting.
One of the key differences between attachment parenting and secure attachment lies in the flexibility and understanding of a child’s broader needs.
While attachment parenting often emphasizes constant contact and physical proximity, secure attachment is more about the quality of the connection and the emotional responsiveness. This means recognizing and responding to a child’s changing needs at different stages, like the needs of young children versus those of older children.
While attachment parenting is a method that can help foster a secure attachment, it is not the only way to build that secure connection.
Other parenting practices that ensure a child’s needs are met, both physically and emotionally, can also lead to a securely attached relationship.
New parents need to understand that forming a secure bond doesn’t require perfect adherence to the practices of attachment parenting.
Instead, focusing on being attuned to your child’s needs and providing consistent love and support is the best way to build a secure, loving relationship.

9 Problems with Attachment Parenting
As a Positive Parenting Educator, I am very much a promonent of build a secure attachment with your child.
It’s possible to build a secure attachment with a child through both attachment parenting and secure attachment, when done correctly and remembering that the key components are emotional and physical response vs solely bedsharing, breastfeeding and babywearing.
Here are some potential issues when focusing on attachment parenting techniques more than focusing on secure attachment.
1. Over-Dependence on the Parent
Attachment parenting promotes constant contact and physical closeness, like baby-wearing and co-sleeping.
While these can foster a close bond, they may also lead to an imbalance with the main caretaking parent.
Building a secure attachment will mean that you have the emotional and physical capacity to be responsive to your child in an accepting and loving way.
Part of this means the parent getting enough sleep, enough time on their own, and also time to reset and refresh.
The main caregiving parent, in attachment parenting, is often made to feel that they can’t separate from their child, even in the toddler years and beyond.
2. Lack of Clear Boundaries
Attachment parenting can blur the lines between the needs of the parent and the child’s needs.
Dr. Sears, a proponent of this parenting style, emphasizes responding promptly to a baby’s cries and maintaining physical contact as much as possible. However, without clear boundaries, children might not learn appropriate limits and expectations.
This lack of boundaries can lead to emotional problems later in life, as children may have a hard time understanding social cues and respecting others’ personal space.
3. Parental Burnout
Following the intensive demands of attachment parenting, such as long-term breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and being the responsive caregiver at all hours, can lead to parental burnout.
New parents especially may find themselves exhausted and overwhelmed by the unrealistic expectations of being the perfect parent.
The American Academy of Pediatrics warns that parents need to balance their own needs with their children’s to maintain a healthy family life.
When parents neglect their well-being, they risk burnout, which can affect their ability to provide consistent and nurturing care.

4. Neglect of Individual Needs
Attachment parenting often focuses heavily on meeting the baby’s needs, sometimes at the expense of the parent’s or other family member’s needs.
This approach can lead to the neglect of individual needs, such as parents’ need for personal time, rest, and adult relationships.
Martha Sears, who co-wrote the attachment parenting book with her husband, discusses the importance of emotional support for parents.
Yet, in practice, parents might feel guilty for attending to their own needs, leading to a lack of self-care and personal fulfillment.
5. Sleep Disturbances
The practice of family bed or co-sleeping, often advocated by attachment parenting proponents like pediatrician William Sears, can lead to sleep disturbances for both children and parents.
While some families find that sharing a bed works well for them, others experience disrupted sleep patterns, leading to fatigue and irritability.
6. Delayed Self-Regulation
Attachment parenting’s focus on immediately responding to a child’s needs can sometimes delay the child’s ability to self-regulate emotions and behaviors.
Secure attachment is essential for emotional regulation, but children also need opportunities to cope with minor stressors independently.
Developmental psychologist studies suggest that learning to manage small disappointments and frustrations is critical for emotional maturity.
If a parent always rushes to solve every problem, the child might not develop the necessary skills to handle challenges on their own.
7. Challenges in Discipline
Disciplining in a way that is consistent with attachment parenting, such as using positive discipline, can be confusing for parents.
Parents who follow attachment parenting might struggle with setting firm limits due to the emphasis on nurturing and responsiveness, potentially leading to inconsistent discipline that confuses the child.
8. Impact on Parental Relationships
Attachment parenting can put a strain on parental relationships. The emphasis on physical closeness, like shared sleeping arrangements (baby sling, family bed) and baby-wearing, may leave little room for parents to connect as partners.
Dr. Sears advocates for a gentle parenting approach, but well-meaning parents may find their relationship takes a backseat to the child’s immediate needs.
This dynamic can lead to resentment and a feeling of imbalance in the relationship, impacting the overall emotional bonds within the family.
9. Long-term Effects on Child’s Independence and Self-Esteem
A key concern with attachment parenting is its long-term impact on a child’s independence and self-esteem.
While forming a baby’s secure attachment is important, over-emphasis on physical closeness and immediate response to the needs of babies can hinder a child’s ability to function independently.
Attachment research suggests that children need opportunities to explore and learn from their environment to build confidence and self-reliance.
Well-meaning parents may inadvertently foster low self-esteem and dependence if they do not gradually encourage their children to engage with the world on their terms.

What’s an Alternative to Attachment Parenting?
Authoritative parenting stands out as a viable alternative to attachment parenting, offering a balanced approach that fosters independence while maintaining a nurturing environment.
Unlike attachment parenting, which often emphasizes continuous physical closeness and responsiveness, authoritative parenting combines support with clear boundaries and expectations.
In the early stages of a child’s life, especially during the early years, it’s vital to establish a foundation for secure attachment.
Authoritative parents strive to create a consistent and supportive environment that aligns with the insights of child psychologists, who emphasize the importance of balancing nurturance with guidance to foster loving relationships and securely attached child forms.
One of the biggest predictors of the attachment style a child develops is the nature of the infant-parent attachment. This bond is significantly influenced by how parents respond to their children’s needs and emotions.
Authoritative parenting focuses on being responsive in a way that encourages children to form secure attachments, promoting resilience and a positive self-concept.
The good news is that this parenting style also addresses the concerns related to anxious attachment style and insecure attachment pattern, which can emerge from overly dependent or inconsistently responsive parenting practices.
By providing consistent support and guidance, authoritative parents help mitigate these risks, fostering a sense of security and confidence in their children.
Dr. Sears, known for popularizing attachment parenting, acknowledges the importance of forming strong emotional connections with children.
However, authoritative parenting takes this a step further by also emphasizing the role of structure and rules in child development. This balanced approach helps children understand the world around them and develop the ability to navigate it successfully.
Being a good mother or father in the context of authoritative parenting means being the kind of parent who is both nurturing and firm. This approach fosters loving relationships while also teaching children about limits and consequences, helping them learn to regulate their behavior and emotions effectively.
Respectful parent interaction, such as making consistent eye contact and genuinely listening to children, is vital in authoritative parenting. These interactions signal to children that they are valued and respected, contributing to a stable and secure attachment.
Understanding the impact of one’s parents on parenting style is key.
Many adults naturally emulate the parenting they experienced, whether it reflects an anxious attachment style or a securely attached pattern.
Reflecting on these influences can help parents consciously adopt more authoritative methods, promoting better outcomes for their children.
To implement authoritative parenting in daily life, it’s essential to establish rules and guidelines that are clear and consistent but not overly restrictive.
This structure provides children with a reliable framework to understand their boundaries and expectations, which provides the framework for a child to feel they belong and are accepted.
Authoritative parenting offers a robust and adaptable framework that supports children’s growth into well-adjusted individuals. It creates independence through healthy dependency, self-regulation, and social competence, which are key for developing healthy relationships throughout life.
By embracing the principles of authoritative parenting, parents can provide their children with the skills and confidence they need to thrive in a complex world, marking a shift from the sometimes overly protective tendencies of attachment parenting.

Things to Remember When Parenting with Attachment Parenting
In considering the approach to parenting, it’s important to balance the intense physical closeness of attachment parenting with the broader developmental needs of the child, which is aligned with secure attachment theory.
As an Attachment Theory educator, I strongly advocate for the responsiveness of a child’s emotional and physical needs. This can be done in more ways than bedsharing, babywearing or breastfeeding.
Here are the main things to keep in mind:
- Balanced Responsiveness: While attachment parenting emphasizes responding to all of the baby’s cries and maintaining constant physical contact, it’s important to also consider the child’s growing need for autonomy and self-regulation. Being a responsive caregiver means addressing the child’s emotional and physical needs while also accepting that at times your child also self-soothes.
- Setting Boundaries: Establishing clear boundaries is essential for healthy development. This involves creating a consistent structure that allows the child to explore the world safely and learn about limits. It’s important to strive to be respectful parents, guiding their children with understanding and empathy, yet firm in their expectations.
- Avoiding Over-dependence: Encouraging a securely attached child to form relationships with others beyond the primary caregiver, like other family members and peers, helps prevent over-dependence on a single person. This broader social interaction supports the child in developing strong social skills and emotional resilience.
- Parental Self-care: Parental stress and anxiety are common in those practicing attachment parenting due to their demanding nature. Parents need to ensure they are also addressing their own needs, including rest, social interaction, and personal time, to avoid burnout and maintain a healthy relationship with their children.
- Embracing Flexibility: The journey of parenting is dynamic, and what works well in the early years may need to be adjusted as the child grows.
- Seeking Support: Parenting can be challenging, and it’s okay to seek help. Support groups, parenting classes, and consultations with child psychologists can provide guidance and reassurance. Learning from the experiences of own parents and other caregivers can offer valuable insights and strategies.
By keeping these aspects in mind, you can strive for a balanced approach that creates a secure attachment while promoting the child’s overall development and well-being.
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