Why Your Baby Was Never Meant to Sleep Through the Night

Based on the amount of sleep training coaches, articles, and books out in the market today, you would think that babies are meant to sleep through the night.

When I had my baby girl, sleeping through the night was the key question asked by just about everyone I met. 

I would be at the grocery store and at least one person who noticed my adorable baby girl was going to ask me at one point, “Is she sleeping through the night yet?”

It was almost as if her first goal-post to reach in life was being able to sleep through the night. And for a sleep-deprived mom, as I was, it’s effortless to start thinking that there’s something wrong with my baby. 

The fact is that babies are not meant to sleep through the night. However, there are excellent reasons why babies wake up often, and it’s more than just because they need to feed (though that is one of the reasons).

In this article, you will learn the science-based reasons why your baby was never meant to sleep through the night.

Why it’s a good thing if your baby doesn’t sleep through the night?

Did you know that near-misses or, sadly, SIDs babies were primarily babies that had fewer wakings?

SIDs stands for Sudden-Infant-Death-Syndrome, in which babies (and at times toddlers) die unexpectedly in their sleep.  The rate of SIDS in the USA as of 2019 was 33.3 deaths per 100,000 live births.

Frequent wakings have been thought of as a protective mechanism against SIDS. This is because when a baby wakes up from sleep, they reset their breathing and, in doing so, are less likely to die while asleep.

In other words, your baby waking up throughout the night may be a life-saving mechanism.

There’s another reason why your baby requires you at night. Through touch, your baby’s brain is stimulated, and brain neuron connections are made. 

If you want to maximize your baby’s brain capacity, increase touch. 

For your baby’s brain, touch is touch. Touch at night is just as important as touch during the day. Because your baby depends on touch to develop, it’s entirely normal for your baby to have night wakings to receive this touch.

Do some babies never sleep through the night?

When I work with parents and their babies, I start with a mindset reset. Think of night wakings being the norm and prepare yourself for your baby to continue sleeping in this way through the first year of life.

Yes, some babies do sleep through the night, but the expected behavior of a baby is to have frequent night wakings (as we discussed above).

How can I make my baby sleep faster?

Because touch is so soothing to your baby, one of the ways to help your baby fall asleep faster is by holding or touching your baby to sleep. Your touch decreases the cortisol hormone and increases oxytocin, the love bonding, and relaxation hormone, for your baby.

You’ll also want to be aware of your baby’s sleep cues so that you can help your baby transition to sleep calmly. 

Baby sleep cues include:

• yawning
• rubbing eyes
• dazy eyes
• frowning
• fussy

Be mindful of these cues and your baby’s unique sleep cues, and start the sleep process as soon as you see these.

How can I get my baby to sleep longer stretches at night?

Being able to reach your baby as soon as your baby starts to come out of a sleep cycle will help both you and your baby get more sleep at night.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends babies sleep in their parent’s room for at least the first six months of life, and ideally the first year of life. One of the reasons is that it facilitates easier breastfeeding, but also even if you’re not breastfeeding, it does make it easier to attend to your baby at night.

The sooner you can touch or soothe your baby from one sleep cycle to another, you both receive more sleep. The concept of “self-soothing” is not something your baby can learn early in life. This idea that we must teach babies to self-soothe is a social construct.  It is not something that we teach babies to do.

The ability to soothe happens naturally through the patterns you give your baby by helping your baby. As your baby learns to trust and depend on you, your baby will begin to have the ability to grow into its independence and ability to soothe themselves through your modeling.

Do babies naturally learn to sleep through the night?

Absolutely. A little past the middle of their first year, most babies will begin to have longer sleep stretches. By around three years old, the grand majority of children are sleeping soundly through the night.

Keep in mind that sleeping through the night is not 12 hours a night. A baby is said to be sleeping through the night when they can sleep 6 hours straight.

When should I stop holding my baby to sleep?

Because babies are contact individuals, they rely on touch to feel safe and secure. 

But, not only does touch comfort your baby, but in your baby’s world, touch is vital for growth and development. 

Contrary to popular belief, you cannot spoil a baby through touch. Instead, holding your baby to sleep reduces the baby’s cortisol, a stress hormone, and calms your baby to sleep.

Not only is holding your baby to sleep perfectly fine for your baby, but the additional moments of touch are beneficial for the parent, as it also increases the oxytocin, love bonding, hormone.

Being held to sleep is the closest familiar environment your baby has to the womb. It provides warmth, sound, and movement, in addition to increasing your baby’s calmness and relaxation.

Should I pick up my baby every time he cries?

Life will happen, and at times you won’t be able to pick up your baby every single time your baby cries, but as a guideline, yes, you should pick up your baby when your baby cries. 

For one, did you know that if you pick up your baby within 90 seconds of the first cry, your baby will almost instantly stop crying?

However, if 90 seconds pass and your baby has not been picked up, your baby may need an additional 20 minutes of crying to flush out stress hormones.

So, not only does it make your life easier to pick up your baby when your baby cries, but it also helps regulate your baby’s stress hormones.

However, there is an even more important reason to pick up your baby when your baby needs you.

First, notice that I said the word “need.” In those first few months of life, please consider your baby’s needs as actual needs and not merely desires or wants. 

Your baby has a biological need to establish who its people are for security and safety. One of the ways this is developed is through learning patterns. 

Meaning, when your baby notices the pattern that every time it had a need, the need was consistently met, your baby understands that these are the people that will keep him safe and secure. Moreso, your baby will grow to know that he is always safe and secure in the world. This concept is part of the secure attachment theory. 

The opposite is also true. When your baby does not receive consistent responses to its needs, your baby will understand that the people who care for her are not dependable for safety and security. Therefore, they also believe that she is not safe and secure in the world.

The secure attachment theory is so fundamental to a child’s healthy development that it should be in every pregnancy and parenting course given to parents. 

Advice for Parents of Babies

In today’s society, you are expected to sleep train your baby to do what your baby normally would not do. But you are the parent, and you know your baby more than anyone else. So I encourage you to read up on normal behavior for babies and base your decisions on that. Then, learn why your baby does what it does. 

In addition to feedings, babies wake up often through the night as a protective mechanism, as well as to receive the much-needed touch for brain development.

Trust that you’ll know what to do. And avoid the temptation to parent your baby based on what others think your baby “should” do.

Continue with: Guide to Sleep Training a 6 Month Old Breastfed Baby